My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
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DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*