My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
You Might Also Like
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples