My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
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CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
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Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.