Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

🍛

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.