Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

found a horse’s reddit account

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…