Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

I love it

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

how to exercise your calf muscles

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.