My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
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Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
he was correct
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…