My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
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They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye