Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

What fresh Hell is this?!?

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.