My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
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Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Sorry. Not sorry
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.