My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
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At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE