Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

This is a sub tweet

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*