My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
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Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start