Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

Bootstraps

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

A game married people play.

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

Someone from the HOA came a-knockin’. They said something about the community pool needing upkeep. They were asking for donations.

So I handed them a sippy cup full of water.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.