Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

🤣

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

Sharon I have some bad news

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.