My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
You Might Also Like
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.