My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
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Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I already tried new things thanks.