My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
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*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
This checks out
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today