My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
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Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
is there nothing we can trust anymore
This kid will have a bright future.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.