My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
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Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Always the camel, never the toe.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.