Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

making sure he doesnt get away

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.