My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
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Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
