My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
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Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Me too door. Me too.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?