My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
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I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
This cat wants you to take your pills
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun