My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
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If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
How funny!
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*