Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.