Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.

The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:

The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.

Me: OK

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

eating my hot dog hamburger style

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.