My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Risking my life for fun.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”