Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

Managing expectations

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.