Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.