Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

At least try to make it slightly believable

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

buys donuts instead

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

there’s probably a fee though

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books