My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
You Might Also Like
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Still my favourite meme.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
That 👊
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.