My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
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pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
When libraries troll their patrons.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
My funeral
My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
