@mommajessiec

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

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@blade_funner

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

@Tmoney68

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

@RexChapman

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

@ConanOBrien

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

@That_Damn_Duck

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You c**ts.

@GrantTanaka

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

@gerryhallcomedy

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

@robfee

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.