My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
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Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
and now we wait
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Unexpected Judgment
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good