My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

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Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??


Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”


I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.


[at dentist office]

Well you gave me this paper bib and said to put it on how was I to know I wasn’t supposed to undress first


I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter


mailman: ahhh nothing quite like returning home from a long day delivering m- [gets attacked by his own dog]


Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.


At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of


DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW