My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

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My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips


I hate when I’m on a date and my mom reaches over and pushes my hair from my face.


Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”


Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.


I’m actually not looking forward to my wife having the baby. I hate meeting new people


Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.


*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”


Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment


Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you’re complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.


Police sketch artists are a bunch of con artists.