My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
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People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
There’s never enough good news
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*