Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

*in court

😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!

😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997