Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.

You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections