Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.