My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
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Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
necessity is the mother of invention
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer: