My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
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I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!