Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
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*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Get off my horse you stupid moon
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.