My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
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My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
When I said I liked it rough.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle