My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
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Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
Every work call, he judges.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?