My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
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It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
this has done me in for some reason
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
This joke is 7 years old
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.