My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
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The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
This sounds bad:
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”