My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
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All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
How to draw a duck
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.