my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
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I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.