my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
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Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.