My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
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Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Kermit goes Blue.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon