My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
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my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands