Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]