My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
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I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
My birthstone is pecan pie.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.