My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
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Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Bed should get ready for ME
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.