My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
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Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
this was the best i’ve ever seen
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
