My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
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Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.