My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
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Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Never ghost your hitman.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.