My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
