Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is this how new cars are made??

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

Selfie

Great Canadian literature.

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

S M O L

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year

The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.

My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.