My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
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Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
our love story in four pictures
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.