Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.