Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it