Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

hmm conte-me mais

😂🐈‍⬛

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.