My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
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You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
this is how life feels
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec