My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
buying dead houseplants to save time
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Poetry is my passion
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?