My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Nice try, NASA
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
