My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Tremendous stuff
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
